My Brother: The flawed rebel

We were two sides of the same coin, attached yet radically different from one another. As a matter of fact, we had different tastes in almost everything, be it music, books or even clothes. We even looked very different. I idolised him though. I remember, as a child I used to have an inexplicable fear of him. Since there was a gap of 6 years between us, I was always in awe of him.

While I am essentially a conformist, he was the quintessential rebel. By the time he reached his mid teens, he had long hair and was into heavy metal. I was just a little boy then. Along with some of his friends, he even started a rock band called Hell’s Angels, presumably one of the first such in Manipur. This was in the late 1980s. I remember the constant arguments between him and my parents who, naturally, were not pleased with his lifestyle – his hair, his music, his friends, his leather jacket et al. Before all these happened, before he decided to rage against the system, my brother was apparently a very good student who would bring home good grades.

Then, as events unfolded, he got kicked out of school because he refused to cut his hair. My parents used their hard earned money to send him to Shillong where I was also studying. However, he still refused either to cut his hair or to sever his relations with his friends/ band. As a matter of fact, his band followed him to Shillong where they even gave a performance at the State Central Library (perhaps the first concert tour by a rock band from Manipur outside the state). This was in the year 1987. His all time favourite band was Iron Maiden. In fact, his stage name was Eddie, the monstrous mascot of Iron Maiden (he told this to me years later).

My parents, however, never gave up on him. Using every possible tactic, they managed to make him complete his 10+2. I think, by this time, he had also started realising the error of his ways. But his lifestyle had already taken a toll on him as he was to realise a few years later. After his 12^th, he got nominated for an engineering course at the Regional Engineering College in Patna, Bihar.  

 

It was 1996, I was in my B.A second year at Ramjas College, Delhi University. My brother had completed his B.E. I was staying with some of my friends at Mukherjee Nagar near the North Campus. In the month of October that year, he suddenly turned up in Delhi and told me that he wished to spend some time with me. I knew he had not been feeling well lately but I still had no inkling about why he would come all the way from Imphal to ‘spend time with me’.  Anyways he spent one month with me. As it turned out, it was to be the last time I was ever to see him.

I still think about that month even today. I am happy that we could spend that time together. We were able to do many of those things that we never could do before together. We went shopping, watched movies and even drank together…. He told me so many things that he never did before. He told me about his life and took a keen interest in mine. Once or twice, we spent the whole night chatting away and only went to bed after sunrise. I will always treasure that month that he gave to me.

The absolute last time that I saw him was at the New Delhi Railway Station. I dropped him till his berth. He gave me a hug and that was it. I came back to my place little knowing that I was never going to see him again.

He passed away on 17^th April 1997, exactly 16 years ago. It was in the middle of my Second Year Exams. His death changed everything. It shattered my parents and me.

Even after death, he still has a hold on me. He left me a note in his diary, telling me to take care of our parents and never to let them down. I have tried to do so. I hope, wherever he is, he’ll be satisfied. But I can’t help wondering how things might have turned out if he were still here.